The Double Edged Sword of the 'Independent Woman'
Sat fragile in the jaws of another boy-related fuck-up, the words my best pals have always chanted while handing me a glass of wine and Rimmel 107 lipstick are: 'you've got this girl, you're an independent woman'. Getting ready for the first night out after an exhausting break-up, I've said the same back to them. And this attitude is so fab for when your most starry-eyed pals have been pushed out of the sky by a wayward meteor. But the fact that it has to exist at all is just another layer in the pancake stack of syrup-laden ways that society judges girls.
When it comes down to it, the 'independent woman' label is just another thinly disguised way of judging and putting pressure on women. You don't get groups of men saying 'just forget about her, be an independent man Kevin'. They don't have to say that, because the Daily Mail isn't going to write headlines about them heading out on the town to make their ex jealous, or getting a coffee ALONE as they mull over their split from their long-term lover. It's just another thing girls feel pressure to be - not reliant on, and not spending too much time or energy on a guy. I know this because I have been that girl judging other girls with 'she spends all her time with her boyfriend'. And while this might have been a valid point to make if that girl was unhappy being stuck with her boyfriend 24/7, me judging her for it doesn't help the situation in any way. The only thing judging girls for not being 'independent enough' does is make you incredibly paranoid that you're not independent enough. Going out for a meal with my boyfriend had me thinking 'oh my god I could be using this evening to start writing a book but I'm going out for DINNER with a BOY, I'm basically a 1940's woman, I'm a disgrace to Emmeline Pankhurst'. Had I not been going to dinner, I wouldn't have started writing a book. I would have watched the episode of The Office where Jim kisses Pam AGAIN and tidied my room or something. The judgements we pass on others will always turn around and come straight for us, even if just in our own heads.
I've done a post about toxic relationships and how dangerous they are, and I feel like that post combined with this one condemn both sides of potential pitfalls, and leaves this supposed ideal middle ground. And that is ALSO BULLSHIT. Be careful of getting too attached to a boy, but also don't succumb to pressure to be 'independent'?! How do you know if you're too sucked into a relationship and going to get hurt? And how do you know if you're too focused on steering clear of attachment and missing opportunities to be happy? Well you don't. And even though I have strong opinions about not getting sucked into toxic relationships, and not panicking too much about being independent enough, I am fully aware that all of these do's and don't's are bullshit. This post is probably bullshit, I don't know how I got you to read this far, I'm just tired of feeling like everything we do as women is wrong and I wanted to write about it.
So here is my actual advice that I don't think is bullshit. Your best bet is to surround yourself with pals who have your best interests at heart. Listen to people who care about you. Check in with yourself now and then and ask yourself if you're doing what you want to. Cast off any judgements you might have made if you were watching yourself right now. Go for dinner with an unsuitable guy with a questionable haircut. Have a night in laughing at old Facebook photos with your pals. Forget about the job hunt for an evening and swoon unapologetically over videos of Harry Styles. Write a book whilst your boyfriend brings you high-calorie snacks. Do whatever the fuck you want to do. There's no 'real woman', and there's no right or wrong way to be a female, but this society is hell bent on telling you there is. So give it hell right back.
When it comes down to it, the 'independent woman' label is just another thinly disguised way of judging and putting pressure on women. You don't get groups of men saying 'just forget about her, be an independent man Kevin'. They don't have to say that, because the Daily Mail isn't going to write headlines about them heading out on the town to make their ex jealous, or getting a coffee ALONE as they mull over their split from their long-term lover. It's just another thing girls feel pressure to be - not reliant on, and not spending too much time or energy on a guy. I know this because I have been that girl judging other girls with 'she spends all her time with her boyfriend'. And while this might have been a valid point to make if that girl was unhappy being stuck with her boyfriend 24/7, me judging her for it doesn't help the situation in any way. The only thing judging girls for not being 'independent enough' does is make you incredibly paranoid that you're not independent enough. Going out for a meal with my boyfriend had me thinking 'oh my god I could be using this evening to start writing a book but I'm going out for DINNER with a BOY, I'm basically a 1940's woman, I'm a disgrace to Emmeline Pankhurst'. Had I not been going to dinner, I wouldn't have started writing a book. I would have watched the episode of The Office where Jim kisses Pam AGAIN and tidied my room or something. The judgements we pass on others will always turn around and come straight for us, even if just in our own heads.
I've done a post about toxic relationships and how dangerous they are, and I feel like that post combined with this one condemn both sides of potential pitfalls, and leaves this supposed ideal middle ground. And that is ALSO BULLSHIT. Be careful of getting too attached to a boy, but also don't succumb to pressure to be 'independent'?! How do you know if you're too sucked into a relationship and going to get hurt? And how do you know if you're too focused on steering clear of attachment and missing opportunities to be happy? Well you don't. And even though I have strong opinions about not getting sucked into toxic relationships, and not panicking too much about being independent enough, I am fully aware that all of these do's and don't's are bullshit. This post is probably bullshit, I don't know how I got you to read this far, I'm just tired of feeling like everything we do as women is wrong and I wanted to write about it.
So here is my actual advice that I don't think is bullshit. Your best bet is to surround yourself with pals who have your best interests at heart. Listen to people who care about you. Check in with yourself now and then and ask yourself if you're doing what you want to. Cast off any judgements you might have made if you were watching yourself right now. Go for dinner with an unsuitable guy with a questionable haircut. Have a night in laughing at old Facebook photos with your pals. Forget about the job hunt for an evening and swoon unapologetically over videos of Harry Styles. Write a book whilst your boyfriend brings you high-calorie snacks. Do whatever the fuck you want to do. There's no 'real woman', and there's no right or wrong way to be a female, but this society is hell bent on telling you there is. So give it hell right back.
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