So What Now

If you've been following this blog since the beginning you'll know that it's changed. It started as a way for me to write about stuff that I liked, as I started to enjoy writing more as a creative outlet, after giving up dance. It started out as a lifestyle-y thing, and as the posts became more personal the blog slowly morphed into this weird hybrid essay/advice thing. 
People always ask me if I want to get back into dancing, and I did try for a little while. At university I dipped in and out, but it never stuck. Five years later I've pretty much decided that I'm done with being on stage. I think it was all or nothing for me. 
I can't define this blog at all, but I think it's helped define me. Or re-define me. I thought I had no identity when I stopped dancing, it was all I had ever done. I was once told, before I quit, that I was a driven person. "Yeah I love dance so much I -" "No. I mean you're a driven person overall. In everything". At the time I didn't think much of this comment. But five years later, I would say it defines me. I've played the memory over and over, grown into the statement made, and now I'd say it about myself, and I'd say it with conviction too. 
The journey I've been on shaping a new identity has been so difficult, but so wonderful. I have so much admiration for those that stick at a performing arts career, and I used to feel so guilty for 'giving up'. But the day I quit dance I went outside after crying for a few hours, and a £20 note literally hit me in the stomach. I got on the bus and I looked at all the people walking past and my heart soared knowing that now I could be any one of them. Which would I be? I know now that I was supposed to leave dance behind.
Like I said, this blog seems like part of my identity now. While going through my posts, I realised just how much I've written about performing and about mental health. It's part of my identity now, and I'm only just realising how much so.
I'm an incredibly driven person. I don't think I'll dance again. But technically I am getting back on stage. Myself and some friends have founded the Performers in Mind platform, and we're throwing a launch event with performances from fab singers in October. All the proceeds will fund wellbeing workshops to equip performing arts students with the knowledge they need to have some defences against an industry that, at the worst of times, can feel cruel and uncaring.
It's a tiny stage but it's still a stage. I'm getting back on stage to talk about something I really believe in. I'm getting back on stage to make things better for those struggling with body image and identity and rejection, all while putting their bodies through gruelling training hour after hour. I'm getting back on stage to talk about mental health in the arts industries. It's a weird way to come back to dance, but I am kind of back. And very glad to be.

x

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