Everything I still don't know about love

Like any good 20-something with a penchant for millennial pink, I have, of course, read Dolly Alderton’s Everything I know about love. It was great. I'm always happy for loved-up friends to pepper my life with anecdotes about their relationships, have consumed excessive numbers of romance novels, have experience of both requited and unrequited love, and can recite any London-based romcom (with or without Hugh Grant) word for word. But here’s everything I still don’t know about love.

I don’t know why some people get lucky in love, and others don’t. I don’t even know what I’d classify as ‘lucky in love', as someone who would have most definitely gotten restless and fucked it up if they’d met their soulmate at 18. I don’t know what a soulmate is, or if they even exist. I don’t know how to sustain a romantic relationship with someone while still retaining a sense of self and independence. I still don’t know a fail-safe method to get over someone, especially when there’s nothing much to get over. I don’t know how to reconcile my uncertainty about marriage with my enthusiasm for weddings and romance. I don’t know why we stopped making good romcoms, with more than one plotline and witty dialogue, where romance hasn't drenched the script, but been carefully laced into it like the ripple in raspberry ripple ice cream. I don’t know when I’ll get bored of falling in love and falling back out of it. I don’t know why Snape wasn’t ever able to stop loving Lily. I don’t know why so many wonderful women get ghosted by boys who don’t own bedsheets, think that having a preferred lager constitutes a personality, or illuminate their flat with only a lava lamp from 2001. I don't know who decides what 'true love' is. I don’t know what kind of things constitute a rough patch you're supposed to work through, and at what point a problem becomes worth abandoning a relationship over.  I don’t know why Jane the Virgin chose Rafael over Michael, and if anyone has a better explanation than ‘she just knew’ then please message me!!

I think some people have more malleable personalities, find it easier to accept flaws, are more willing to compromise for a relationship. I think that if you cry about a boy on the tube then Richard Curtis is obligated to write a romcom with you as the star, giving you the happy ending you deserve. I think maybe I’m here for the stories, the thrill and the tragedy of it all, rather than with the aim of finding someone to comfortably see out a few decades with. I think that men often hold their first loves up on a pedestal, because for lots it’s the first person they opened up to on a deeply emotional level with. I think I believe in the inevitability of love finding those who are looking for it, whilst also being cynical about how much society tells us that our only chance at happiness relies upon finding 'the one'. I think that my generation might be reshaping the cookie cutter we’ve been handed, opening ourselves up to valuing love in all forms, weighting friendship as highly as romance. I think about Adele going through her divorce at least once a day. I think when it’s wrong you just know, and when it’s right you just know, but I don’t know what ‘just knowing’ feels like for anyone but me. And despite currently living with what feels like evidence to the contrary, I still think time heals a broken heart.

I know that anyone who can stay optimistic in the face of tragically disappointing Tinder dates and couples embracing smugly around the handrail on the tube deserves the world of happiness. I know that despite not yet having succeeded at sustaining a romantic relationship beyond a year, I definitely have the ability to sustain long-lasting meaningful relationships, because I have best friends who’ve stuck with me for decades, who’s brilliance can still turn me into the heart-eyed emoji at any given moment. I know we won’t stop writing about love any time soon. I know that I won’t stop wondering about love any time soon. I know I’m lucky enough to have been loved deeply and fiercely, by family, friends and everything in between. I know that some have love snatched away from them in the cruellest way, and I know there’s no guarantee that won’t happen to me. I know that it's impossible to sign up for love without signing up for heartbreak too.

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