On Toxic Relationships

     The slyness of them. We used to write thoughtfully whilst thoughtlessly chewing on a lead pencil that was killing us. Just as easily we can love someone who pulls us apart even more violently. People can sneak into the darkest nooks of your brain, pull levers and change gears and push buttons so masterfully that it feels like you are still steering. You end up berating yourself for driving off a cliff when someone else was in the driver’s seat. Your mind can be flooded with thoughts that were poured into your ear and your heart can be heavy with a weight someone else installed.

     Referring to it as a toxic relationship makes it seem as though this is one category, with checkboxes and a cut-off point at each end. I think this maybe part of the problem. They develop so gradually and span such a wide range of actions and symptoms that others only notice when you are already under the water. Any type of relationship can become toxic, and I do include friendships in this, but romantic relationships seem to be the hardest to combat. There is an extra wall preventing us from telling a friend that their romantic relationship seems unhealthy; the defence is that the terms and content of that relationship can remain hidden between them. Relationships can turn from healthy to unhealthy at the flick of a switch, or a few sentences, and then can turn to abusive just as quickly – at the tightening of a hand. You have probably heard the analogy that abusive relationships develop like a pot of boiling water. If you put a frog in boiling water it would jump out, but put a frog in cold water and bring it to the boil and it will not notice the heat until it is too late. Often those around the victim won’t notice the water bubbling either, or will attribute it to the victim turning up the heat themselves. People who do notice will scream and shout and cry for the ones they are worried for, without considering that this kind of reaction applies as much guilt as the toxic person is, and often leaves them with nowhere to run except back into the perpetrators arms. I feel like perhaps I am writing this with a victim/villain mentality, and I want to assert that I don’t really feel that blame should be cast that way. Everyone has their vices, their flaws, their weapons, and it’s when two peoples have wounds in the right places and the right weapons in their hand that toxicity can be ignited. But to say that we are all a part of the creation of toxicity implies that we should all be blamed for it, which is not the case, as where self-blame occurs there is the deepest grave, one that you can happily lie in believing you dug it for yourself. It doesn’t help that modern media supports the idea that drama, hurt, and intense behaviour are necessary and romantic components of relationships. In all the instances I’ve known of, a guy waiting outside your window has never been anything but a terrifying thing, a mile away from the on screen gestures of romance classified as ‘goals’.

     Even if you are lucky enough and have the support available to get out, toxic relationships remain stomach twistingly nauseating for years after they have been ripped apart. Halfway through drafting this a friend came over for help with a person she had developed an unhealthy relationship with. For her: the guilt was still present, the wish to be supportive still desperate, the wounds from the final battle still bleeding. We chatted away and I came back to this draft diverted from my plan. I felt infinitely sad because I have no solution. Writing this has exhausted me. Trying to pen my friends’ pain along with my own has hurt as equally as if I had used that pen to carve it into my skin. There are no five steps to a life without poison. Less of us are drug addicts, but we find our own addiction to harm in our painful relationships with others. All we can do is try our collective best. Be there for the ones you love, and feel widespread support from the fact that others have googled how to help friends in abusive relationships, more still have asked how to get over toxic people. The following is just the few bits of advice I do have to offer, which you are under no obligation to adopt, trust or read.

Helping someone in a harmful relationship

My only advice on how to talk to someone who cannot see they are being hurt, someone who is infatuated with their abuser, when devotion and destruction have married in their mind, is to say: it is best for you both to end this. Rather than telling the one you love to leave the one they do, rather than wrenching them out of the arms of their abuser, remind them that the choice is theirs to take. Suggest that perhaps the two of them are equally unhappy and are dealing with it in different ways. Support them in their relationship, tell them you are there, and tell them you will be when they hit rock bottom. If they ever do realise that the water is fucking scalding, they’ll jump out only if they know that what’s outside is better. You don’t have to wait there indefinitely, just let them know when and how you can help if needed.

Getting out of a harmful relationship

Chances are, you know something is wrong. You know this isn’t right when you explain it out loud, and yet there’s something that makes sense in how you are being treated. You’re the frog that says ‘oh no I need the water to be hot. It burns sometimes but it’s not so bad, I shouldn’t have been in the pot anyway.’ Trust the people around you who are telling you that you don’t deserve to be hurt, you don’t need to be controlled, and you can be without them. This isn’t your fault. These relationships are formed by insecurities and wounds and insults that match up in perfect tragic union. Something about this person’s actions and words traps you in the deepest and most interior part of your brain. Your world has been reformed by constant subtleties in communication that makes this hell seem like heaven. If you can’t bring yourself to do it yet, that’s okay. Just try to ask yourself what would make you leave, what would be one step too far, what would your rock bottom would be. Because everyone around you is terrified about what it is too.

     I just want to end by saying how loudly I disagree with a comment I hear a lot about toxic romantic relationships from well-meaning people on the outside: ‘Why are they still with that awful person?!’. This comment conveys a lack of willingness to understand. Everyone has their demons, they have just found theirs on earth. And one day, if you’re as unlucky as them, you might too.