The Prologue to the Story of my 21st Year

     

     You are about to get out of bed on your 21st birthday. You will go to lectures, return a huge ASOS order, take an unexpected Tesco trip, wear a sequinned skirt, order pizza for 15 people and celebrate with a group consisting mostly of new and optimistic friendships. You don't know it but this night is actually quite important. Not because it's your birthday and not because anything has shifted now that you are 21. In fact it's because tonight will make clear that as yet uncertain new friends will become cemented more solidly in your narrative and life, previously dismissed characters are set to steal a few scenes yet, and old friends are getting ready to shine in this new light. So seeing as you don't know any of that yet, here is a prologue to your next year.
     You will come to realise the absolute beacons of light that shine around you and on you have gone beyond what you ever thought possible under the label 'friend'. They will inspire, they will illicit smiles in unexpected ways, they will turn overheated anger into sun drenched laughter, they will step up in the situations you are too afraid to, so you can hide until you are ready to do so yourself. You will realise that with the blessing of being surrounded by people who treat you with care and consideration, you also have a responsibility. To not allow those who disregard your pain, those who are reckless with your forgiveness, those who seek only to use, any closer than arms length. You will wait too long to act on this. You will feel as though you are burning bridges, but the bridge is already on fire, with those concerned stood on it as it crumbles away, wondering why you can't see each other through stinging eyes and why you're choking on smoke as you try to talk over the unrelenting flames. Smile, step off the bridge, and don't look over at the other side as you brush the soot off your jeans. You will both breathe fresh air and become lighter with every step you take away from the dust and ashes. 
     You will realise that you have been wrapped up in your own pity and stories at times when friends were hoping you would notice them fall, and you will work harder to not let the obstacles of distance, choices and plain old life get in the way of relationships that deserve to be maintained. There will be moments this year when you will almost see your younger self in front of you and be forced to acknowledge that you have changed irrevocably and indescribably. You will feel tears behind your eyes at photos of friends living your once chased after dream. But these are not tears of regret and bitterness, these are tears that come as you realise you are not sad for your absence in this scene, only sad for the distance you now feel between your present self and the leotard clad girl who was so convinced of it. You can see her looking at you with hard eyed resolve as she maintains that this is the only path to her happiness, and you will want to hug her and encourage her and protect her from it all at once. You're going to do a whole month at university without alcohol, and you'll end this accomplishment with four hours sober watching your kitchen floor flood with lemonade, dealing with difficult drunks and lamenting the lack of even a phone to turn to as it blasts the playlist to your death by sobriety. You will be more selfless than you've ever been, and also act more selfishly than you ever have. You will become a proponent of the mantra 'you are not your mistakes', and will fiercely repeat it to friends who reduce themselves to one bad judgement call, one hastily snapped remark, or one drunken slip up. You will spend to put a smile on your face, and not realise that delivery after delivery, the excitement of buying and owning and wearing has long been replaced with an anxiety about the use of the little blue card that was only for emergencies. You will begin to build an awareness of how you want to feel, what things help you feel that way, and you will start to adopt healthy habits that avoid periods of volatile drops in mood you have experienced for much of your life. You will learn and feel the burdens of those closest to you more harshly, be taken aback by the inner strength of those you have witnessed only the external strength of character of before. You will begin to take care of your own mind, the minds of those around you, and the cracked surface of the world that distorts them. You will be turned glowy and grateful by collections of unexpected thoughts said sleepily by people who do not and will not realise the weight of them. You will write lucidly and inconsistently, you will talk without weighing your words and then you will cast glances without realising the repercussions. You will cry, eat, laugh, sob, walk, hold, fall, panic, jump, worry, care, kiss, drink, daydream and everything in between. The distance between your lowest and most painful moment and your most elated and cherished one this year will be greater than ever before, and it is this and everything in between that will make it one of the most wonderful yet. Enjoy.