The 2016 Bake Off Contestants as Cakes and Bakes

We all love a bit of Bake Off. I greet the end of summer like a long lost relative once I hear the quaint tinkling of the theme tune brightening my Wednesday evenings. But the loss of Louise this week got me thinking about how the contestants in Bake Off are represented, and I realised that their personalities are often reduced to a few key characteristics and fun facts. This is obviously because the number of contestants to fit into the hour long show means they each only get a few seconds of intro time in order to focus on the actual baking. Louise was certainly a victim of this reductionism, having had her hobbies, interests and overall personality reduced to - Welsh. "In her spare time Louise likes climbing Welsh mountains with her Welsh fiancee in Wales". Underneath all that Welsh I'm pretty sure Louise was an original and exciting contestant, she was the first one I'd ever heard being bleeped out on the show anyhow. So I thought a better way to discuss and debate our favourite Bake Off contestants might be to decide what cakes and bakes their personalities were most like..

Michael

Lorded on the show as mainly "the student" I'm ashamed to admit that my personality analysis doesn't get much more detailed than that. I have to say that I was reduced to tears of laughter at his Santa's workshop from hell biscuit scene this week..just thinking about the icing on those biscuit faces is getting me chuckling again. Michael is most definitely a good quality crispy cake. Student and budget friendly, not particularly exotic, but still more than enough to perk you up with a cup of tea on a slow Tuesday afternoon.

Benjamina

I feel awful because I actually keep forgetting about Benjamina until she appears on the screen again. The reason for this is because as well as not having any defining personality traits exploited for the show (e.g. Val's fitness fanaticism) she is actually pretty good at baking. Which is disappointing. I mean obviously that's good because she might actually be successful but I'm not here for success. I'm here for ice cream sabotage and dough theft and people dropping their biscuit scenes on their way up to Paul and Mary at the bench. Benjamina is exactly who you want baking for you, but not who you want to watch baking. She is comparable to a brilliantly British digestive biscuit, which I would be delighted to eat if it was offered to me at no cost, but which I wouldn't choose to bake myself.

Rav

Rav is attempting daring flavour combinations and ideas for his first few tentative steps in the Bake Off tent. I actually think Rav is a bit of a mince pie, which is widely eaten but not definitively popular consistently. An unusual filling encased in a dependable shortcrust pastry. The thing is, I eat approximately 400 in December but I'm still not entirely sure I'm a fan. 

Kate

Some key quotes of Kate's include "It's a good English apple" and "sorry blackberries!". She seems a lovely girl but she's a little bit too sickly sweet and PG for me. I like my contestants to be a bit rougher around the edges, and Kate is just too clean cut. I like syrup a lot but Kate is a syrup sponge pudding with too much syrup, which is best on days when you're feeling very mopey and sorry for yourself. She is far too nice, even for Bake Off.

Andrew 

Endearingly precise and constantly looking giddy to even be allowed in the tent, this guy is a little ray of sunshine. His face was a picture when Selasi's perfectly defined genoise sponge was revealed, and this awing appreciation of his fellow bakers successes is incredibly heart warming. I was thinking that perhaps Andrew is a bakewell tart? A bit young and fresh to be taken very seriously but presented well, full of promise and topped off with a little flash of red. Sidetone: The Harry Potter fan in me would like to say that this guy is basically what Ron Weasley would have ended up like if he'd ever paid attention when his mum was cooking all those delicious meals at The Burrow and learnt to bake. 

Candice

Her lipstick in week one was very Black Forest gateaux but at heart she is much more of a lemon meringue pie. She's fun and exciting, and her inventiveness in her bakes is actually working out for her right now so she must be technically proficient too. She's also really supportive to her fellow bakers, showing her caring side. She reminds me of a funkier Kate from last year, kind of cool big sister who lives in Brighton aesthetic. 

Tom

I totally thought this guy was gonna be a doughy plain sponge cake but SURPRISE he is actually quite hilarious in a clumsy British kind of way. I was expecting a very forgettable performance and instead he PUT GIN IN A CAKE. And too much gin at that! Mary Berry was so excited she basically grew to Pauls height at this revelation, and it's a shame it didn't work out. A personal highlight and a good way to sum up this guy is the moment he carefully and slowly removed his cake from the oven, and then promptly dropped it on the floor. The literal icing on the cake was him then saying "That one can go on the bottom". I crown Tom a slightly messy and underwhelming looking but thoroughly dependable and enjoyable Eton Mess.

Jane

The only note I had about Jane was that she wouldn't stop touching her cake DURING THE COOKING PROCESS! Stop putting your hand in the oven! There are so many other ways to see if your bake is sufficiently heated! I think she also won star baker, so she must have been pretty good. But mainly what we take away here is Jane's dare devil nature and so we can define her as a homemade fritter donut ie. reliably sweet to eat but to bake them you must be greatly experienced and willing to dance with the devil (the deep fat fryer).

Selasi

If Selasi isn't the smoothest silkiest chocolate ganache there ever was then this whole post is a shambles. Ganache is simple to prepare and easy to share but also harbours a little bit of a dark side. Selasi's laid back attitude calmed even the most frantic of tent-dwellers, and the Bake Off producers made sure to include a shot of him on a motorbike which instantly establishes him as the dangerous bad boy of the group (aside from Jane the burn addict). 

Val

Oh my lord. My first note for Val was 'grey'. My next was simply a heart. When the bake off voice over announced that she was an Ed Sheeran fan and and a fitness fanatic I assumed they were trying to make her out to be 'safe with a bit of a twist'. How very wrong I was. There is nothing safe about Val. I am constantly on edge when watching her cook after the mistakes she made mixing up all of the ingredients for her signature bake, along with her unorthodox methods of singing to and swinging her cake around her head. Val is without a doubt the nuttiest fruitcake around, and incidentally, my favourite contestant. 
Ps. I absolutely applaud her for completely ignoring Paul when he was attempting to disturb her with questions about her bake in week one. It always annoys me when they're on a time limit and have to waste precious minutes answering Paul's stupid questions and watching him make that sceptical "I don't think that will work" face! Val broke the mould! Val for Prime Minister!


So that's everyone I think, until next Wednesday.. 

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