Not Enough
I haven't written anything in over a month! The last post I really wrote was my most widely read and something I was extremely proud of so I've shied away for a while. It feels scary and I didn't know how to start again, so here is a bit of a ramble about how I have felt recently, which was really hard to describe, but I hope it makes sense to those of you who do read it.
I have had a bit of an odd time of it recently. Laughter was real but only while laughing, the moment I was alone it seemed an impossible thing, like trying to imagine a world without the colour green. Mostly the feeling was numbness, and the only things that felt real or sharp were pain and sadness, pain and sadness that wouldn't shift. And when there was no 'reason' to feel pain and sadness, it stayed anyway. If it's possible, it was pain and sadness at the heavy thought that there was (inevitably, of course) more pain and sadness to come, and pain and sadness that those around me were constantly battling these feelings too. Every day was a day of swimming desperately against the tide thinking 'What if I just let go? Wouldn't that feel good?'. It was wanting to claw my way out of my body whilst simultaneously wanting to hibernate inside of it. It was wanting to scream at people to notice me, but dreading them finding out because they would not care. It was finding dark sides to time tested motivational quotes, finding the cloud wispily attached to the silver lining and dragging it over me until it rained, and rained, and I was soaked. It was knowing that smiles were temporary, would be paid for in sleepless nights and immovable wake-ups. Inflated problems, hazy vision, heavy limbs. Blinking furiously at the world around me to try and see it as something more than a blurred painting behind a screen, trying, trying to explain that my life is good and I am happy but that this feeling is inescapable and doesn't agree. Craving but also dreading social interaction, worrying afterwards that I wasn't happy enough, fun enough, or just, enough.
After what felt like an eternity (but was probably only a few weeks) of slow and impossible 'what is the point' mornings, a slightly earlier, easier one. I still cursed dropping an egg on the floor and putting the wrong oil in the pan, asking why the world doesn't want me to have a good day. Then, sunshine, warm bones, ice cream, kind friends, silly friends, annoying-in-the-best-way friends. Nothing is different, but something is. Laughter surprises you by coming when you are alone. Walking down the street you are not focusing on trying to see things as you know you can, you just do. It is too warm to sleep at night, but you are not blaming it, or cursing it. Listening to music because you want to listen to it, not to try and liven up the silence. I felt like the sunshine I laughed under on that day, and I did not come tumbling down once the breeze that carried me there gave way.
Retrospectively I think this was a build up of what I have been burying for a long time now: the feeling of failure, of not doing well enough, of not being the person I was supposed to be. Mentally and emotionally I have crumbled a little this year, and I have not allowed myself the time or the kindness to fully recover. I have also seen this attitude reflected in the lives and troubles of so many of my friends. I am surrounded by incredibly talented people who continue to amaze me not only with their personalities and achievements, but also with their innate refusal to give themselves a pat on the back and a week off every once in a while. My generation has a particularly difficult struggle with expectations and reality. We began our lives at a time when a job was a given, buying a house a must, and a wife or husband an inevitability. We reach adulthood and face a completely different world, a incredibly scary world where more is possible, but more is uncertain. I have made more mistakes in the past 12 months than I think I've made in any other year, but I've also had the most fun. This was my year to fail, to stop being so god damn busy, to learn what it was like to forget who I was. In forgetting who you are, you try all the harder to build something better.
Everyone has dark times, and it's okay to look back and feel frustration at decisions you've made, deeds you did not do, and times you didn't cherish. Retrospectively analysing how you felt at any time in your life is (I think) impossible. I have no idea when I was happiest or whether I've correctly described and remembered the feelings I've written about here. All I can try and do is bottle what I'm feeling now and keep it for later, so this message is for myself or anyone else the next time we are stuck in the dark -
You are full of possibilities, you are not one person, thing or accomplishment, you are as infinite as a galaxy of stars and light and life. This will pass and this will be something you can barely understand one day, just as carefree happiness seems incomprehensible now. You will not feel consumed by feelings of inadequacy and insecurity when talking to others, you will watch their eyes smile as yours do, a thousand stars cast between them. All you have is now, and all you have is you. You are doing a really good job at whatever you're trying to do, and it's okay to realise that you've not done things you wanted to, or that you've not been who you've wanted to be. There is time. There is now.
I have had a bit of an odd time of it recently. Laughter was real but only while laughing, the moment I was alone it seemed an impossible thing, like trying to imagine a world without the colour green. Mostly the feeling was numbness, and the only things that felt real or sharp were pain and sadness, pain and sadness that wouldn't shift. And when there was no 'reason' to feel pain and sadness, it stayed anyway. If it's possible, it was pain and sadness at the heavy thought that there was (inevitably, of course) more pain and sadness to come, and pain and sadness that those around me were constantly battling these feelings too. Every day was a day of swimming desperately against the tide thinking 'What if I just let go? Wouldn't that feel good?'. It was wanting to claw my way out of my body whilst simultaneously wanting to hibernate inside of it. It was wanting to scream at people to notice me, but dreading them finding out because they would not care. It was finding dark sides to time tested motivational quotes, finding the cloud wispily attached to the silver lining and dragging it over me until it rained, and rained, and I was soaked. It was knowing that smiles were temporary, would be paid for in sleepless nights and immovable wake-ups. Inflated problems, hazy vision, heavy limbs. Blinking furiously at the world around me to try and see it as something more than a blurred painting behind a screen, trying, trying to explain that my life is good and I am happy but that this feeling is inescapable and doesn't agree. Craving but also dreading social interaction, worrying afterwards that I wasn't happy enough, fun enough, or just, enough.
After what felt like an eternity (but was probably only a few weeks) of slow and impossible 'what is the point' mornings, a slightly earlier, easier one. I still cursed dropping an egg on the floor and putting the wrong oil in the pan, asking why the world doesn't want me to have a good day. Then, sunshine, warm bones, ice cream, kind friends, silly friends, annoying-in-the-best-way friends. Nothing is different, but something is. Laughter surprises you by coming when you are alone. Walking down the street you are not focusing on trying to see things as you know you can, you just do. It is too warm to sleep at night, but you are not blaming it, or cursing it. Listening to music because you want to listen to it, not to try and liven up the silence. I felt like the sunshine I laughed under on that day, and I did not come tumbling down once the breeze that carried me there gave way.
Retrospectively I think this was a build up of what I have been burying for a long time now: the feeling of failure, of not doing well enough, of not being the person I was supposed to be. Mentally and emotionally I have crumbled a little this year, and I have not allowed myself the time or the kindness to fully recover. I have also seen this attitude reflected in the lives and troubles of so many of my friends. I am surrounded by incredibly talented people who continue to amaze me not only with their personalities and achievements, but also with their innate refusal to give themselves a pat on the back and a week off every once in a while. My generation has a particularly difficult struggle with expectations and reality. We began our lives at a time when a job was a given, buying a house a must, and a wife or husband an inevitability. We reach adulthood and face a completely different world, a incredibly scary world where more is possible, but more is uncertain. I have made more mistakes in the past 12 months than I think I've made in any other year, but I've also had the most fun. This was my year to fail, to stop being so god damn busy, to learn what it was like to forget who I was. In forgetting who you are, you try all the harder to build something better.
Everyone has dark times, and it's okay to look back and feel frustration at decisions you've made, deeds you did not do, and times you didn't cherish. Retrospectively analysing how you felt at any time in your life is (I think) impossible. I have no idea when I was happiest or whether I've correctly described and remembered the feelings I've written about here. All I can try and do is bottle what I'm feeling now and keep it for later, so this message is for myself or anyone else the next time we are stuck in the dark -
You are full of possibilities, you are not one person, thing or accomplishment, you are as infinite as a galaxy of stars and light and life. This will pass and this will be something you can barely understand one day, just as carefree happiness seems incomprehensible now. You will not feel consumed by feelings of inadequacy and insecurity when talking to others, you will watch their eyes smile as yours do, a thousand stars cast between them. All you have is now, and all you have is you. You are doing a really good job at whatever you're trying to do, and it's okay to realise that you've not done things you wanted to, or that you've not been who you've wanted to be. There is time. There is now.
x
Dedicated to all the wonderful people in my life who harbour internal struggles beneath the high achieving and happy exterior.
This is a spectacular post. I cannot begin to describe the feeling I had when I read it, and how much I felt that this was written for me; I am stunned by the talent in your writing, Jessie May - and I honestly hope that you keep writing these intricately detailed, kind-worded posts.
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